The day of Landon's 3 month visit that we had been waiting for was finally upon us. The news we were planning to find out would be either A. The hole in his heart closed on it's own OR as our Pediatician so wonderfully re-pointed out to us at our last visit B. The hole was so big that they couldn't hear it due to a lack of pressure in the blood rushing through. That...part B...was a scary thought, yet not really too probable in my mind, since Landon had been gaining weight. Turns out he was having such a rough time gaining weight in the beginning, because of the size of the hole.
Looking back, the cardiologists at the hospital had informed us that his hole was medium sized ...not the ever more common small size that "most" babies have. I will not forget the look on the pediatrician's face in the hospital when she was informing us about his murmur. Why were her eyes tearing up and mine weren't? I mean, she knew even more than I did that this happens in 2 percent of babies. I am sure she had seen it many times before. Why did she make me feel like I should be more afraid than I was? Thinking about that moment and some moments after that makes me understand in the smallest of ways how parents must feel when they get the news that their baby has something REALLY wrong with them. I mean, I could not imagine getting some of the news that some parents must receive. We got lucky in my opinion, not that anyone wants to hear that their baby has a "medium sized hole in their heart," no matter how common or uncommon it is.
So, there we sat in the waiting area. Little guy sleeping in his car seat with his chubby cheeks proving to me that we would get good news. They called us back and they did the usual..listened to his heart, checked his blood pressure (his eyes got big when it squeezed his chubby little arm)and then they put this tiny strap around his toe to check what I assuming would be his heart rate. Weight and length...11 pounds 14 ounces and 24 inches. Eventually we wandered across the hall to the EKG machine. Landon just laid there on 2 pillows in his little diaper while they hooked him all up. I once again thought of the parents who went through the really hard defects and whatnot with their children. Heartbreaking it is to see someone so small hooked up to these machines. Landon didn't cry or fuss at all when they rubbed the cold gel from the ultrasound tool all over his chest. He was a big boy and Matt and I were really proud of him. I think that in a way it made us all feel like if something big ever did happen- we could take it.
Shortly after, the Cardiologist came in to give us the results. My heart dropped when he walked in to the room. Even though I knew the results were going to be good- I just could not help but to feel this sudden nervousness. The first words out of his mouth were, "I know that the doctor last time told you that he couldn't hear a hole, but I can." Oh really...I thought. No. It's not gone? I was totally ready to hear him say..."Well, no hole...you're good to go on your merry way now...pretend like it was never there." No such luck, but he did follow by saying that it is definitely a small hole. Since they were able to see it with the EKG and not just listen to it- he was sure. So, we will go back in a year to try to get documents stating that it is completely gone.
Now I have a feeling of relief for Landon and also a feeling of hurt for those parents who don't get the great news that we did. My heart goes out to them all and I am sure that those parents would take a chunk of their own heart out and give it to their baby any day of the week if it was possible- just like Matt and I would have. Fortunately, we won't have to.
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