wifehood...freedom...lost and found.

"As time goes by, life has a way of rearranging itself. People enter your life, and inevitably, they leave as well. Things have a tendency to happen that can turn your world upside down. You’ll come to realize eventually, that even though things are different, you are as well."

This blog is a small slice of the life that I live.
There are good days, bad days, in between days.
I have my moments where I feel like I could crawl in to a corner and cry, but then much more often there are moments when I pick up my kids and hug them so hard with thankfullness for all the joy that they bring me that I am afraid I might just crush the little ones with LOVE.



Being a Stay At Home Mom (particularly during the early years) is liberating and prison like all at the same time. You have no regular adult interaction and that is life changing- especially at certain times like when "Mr. Teething-Cranky-Pants-Can't-Leave-the-House-for-More-than-an-Hour" was in full effect ...it was rough. Lately though, it's been pretty great. No mommy time outs in the 30 minute shower for quite sometime. We just kind of melt in to a routine together and it's fun. My days are what I make of them. I don't have anyone telling me what to do (besides Landon and Jordana, of course). No deadlines that could get me fired, no forced lunch break or clock in time. That is pretty awesome. No annoying co-workers or customers....yeah, I'll take it.



Being a parent brings new situations to life. I am happy that Matt and I had a lot of time to build a solid foundation to our pre-baby life together. I would never bring a child in to this world on shaky ground. That is just plain irresponsible. But, once you have kids your marriage changes regardless of whether or not the pregnancy was planned on a solid foundation. Actually, all of your relationships change after becoming a parent. It is inevitable and in most ways... Wonderful. I actually wish I would have had kids sooner. I had plenty of friends around me having kids and I never really got what they were going through back then. I feel like I was so clueless to what life was really about before I had Landon. I had my dogs, but once you have children of your own you see that dogs are nothing like actual children. Dogs are much easier and much less stress. I love my dogs immensely and seeing my kids with them is one of my favorite things, but if you have dogs that you think are anything like kids...well...you should just stick with the dogs.






I am glad that I took some time to pave a life path with the tools that I had at the time, but little did I know that I was missing a very important piece...or two.



Along with my relationships, my priorities have had to change at some point after having kids - to where I was putting them first and in the midst of that... fixing everyone else's problems had to go on the back burner. I have spent a lot of time in my life doing what was best. Being a friend that would listen to problems, helping to mend the problems and then seeing people go right back to their old ways..never changing and then coming right back around to me again to have me expel all of my energy and care for them...causing a pattern that becomes hard to handle if you're sensitive to other people's feelings. I still am that problem solving person. I can't help it- I like helping people. But, there just had to come a point where I stopped being the one that had 10 people a day coming to me with a sad story...the same sad story that they had for me the month before. If it is something you can't help then fine - cry on my shoulder all day long, but if it is something that can be fixed by leaving the situation or changing your actions and attitude... then that is a different story. So, one day I came to the conclusion that I refused to be used and basically abused by others emotionally. Being "the nice one" comes naturally to me and I'm fine with that, but you can only help the same person out so many times with a problem that underneath it all is pretty much always the same...and only in their hands to fix. I have to say that after making this life change I feel less taken advantage of and I feel like now my friends that I talk with on a regular basis are the absolute best. It feels good to stand on higher ground and put myself above all, because in turn that makes me a better mom...and an overall better person. Possibly a little bit more selfish than I ever have been before, but during this phase in my life it's working for me. I am able to save a lot of my energy this way and I believe that it is true that you need to take good care of yourself before you can take good care of others.



Amongst all of the other changes that come along with being a parent, "Wifehood" in particular gets even harder when you have a baby (or two). There is now another little human taking your time and your love. More love than you ever knew you could feel. You and your spouse don't have all of the freedom that you once had. You can't just pick up and leave at a moments notice. Freedom is basically...gone. You can't even give each other all of the attention that you would like to. Some days are just exhausting and taken up with crying, bottles, diaper changes and getting to know this little one that you brought in to the earth. I think it is important to be conscious of who you are as a couple. What your day to day life turns in to once you have kids is completely different. You sit down to eat dinner and baby cries. You sit down on the couch to have a moment together and baby needs a diaper change. Things just aren't the same, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. There are hills and valleys in any relationship. Especially in a marriage. Adding kids brings on even more complexity. I don't think any marriage feels like the honeymoon stage after a while - you will probably never feel exactly like that again once years have passed. The newness of any relationship fades. It doesn't mean you shouldn't fight for happiness, but you should lose the idealistic need for the way things are in the beginning. If you do not face this reality, then you will never truly find peace with where you are at this very moment.


[In our carefree days before marriage and babies!]

Life on a daily basis as I know it is now being a mom...and being a wife. Two roles that should be taken seriously. I have my days where I feel completely trapped, but more often I have days where I feel like nothing could be better. Days where I feel like I strapped on a pair of wings and flew high up in the clouds with Landon and Jordana tagging happily along with me. I never really thought that the routine of days with a baby and a toddler would become natural to me, but it has. I am finally a mom...and I might just be better at it than I thought I was going to be. I am different now- but in the best way possible...with the best friends, family and husband helping me along the way.